Category Archives: Dating

No Settle Zone

No Settle Zone

First off, let me start off by saying ladies and gentlemen - please DO NOT settle. Consider the first questionable sign as a sign that it may not be meant to be with that particular person.

Two years ago, I found myself settling with a man that I knew from the beginning I did not want to be with. I should have known better at that age, but I was thinking that I wanted to be like everyone else around me. Most of my friends were in serious relationships or married. I was just trying to be in our “in crowd”. There were obvious SIGNS for me, and I should have listened to them. Before I knew it this man had wiggled his way into my life and my space.

All of my friends would say, "He’s so nice and sweet, I’m so happy for you!" While in my mind I was thinking, “You guys must see something that I don’t.” Not even a few months later, I found myself in a situation that no woman should ever be in. This man attempted to physically harm me. Any person that would knowingly - man or woman - attempt to physically harm you, cannot be good for you. Ofcourse this is just my personal opinion, but I’ll never stick around to find out otherwise.

The experience was traumatizing for me. I was both scared and embarrassed to tell anyone until after the situation was over, and it still embarrasses me til this day. From the moment he left my life, I decided that I wanted better and deserved better. I vowed not to settle again. If you legitimately know what you want in a mate, then stand firm on it and do not settle. We all can fall victim to wanting something just because we think it looks “good” on the outside, but it’s more than that. Get to know a person and the type of person that they are before making a final choice like exclusivity or marriage.

should i stay

I’ve also learned that it’s super helpful to write down a list of things that you want in a mate, the things that you know you absolutely cannot tolerate, and then identify things that you can compromise on. Sometimes you have to let go of menial things as well. Has anyone else got their list drawn up? I’ve got mine and it’s pretty solid. I won’t be settling again either...

XOXO,

Ms. Nish

Lovers or Friends

Lovers or Friends?

In the words of Usher, Lil John, and Ludacris, “Tell me again, can we be lovers and friends?”

Let’s be honest the only person we as women and men can honestly be lovers and friends with is a potential husband or wife. I’ve tried this game as I’m sure many of you have, and at some point someone gets hurt or their feelings get too involved.

Case and point, a few years ago, I was introduced to a guy through a friend of mine. We started hanging out just to pass by time, we had much in common and what I thought was a cool friendship in the beginning, turned quickly into lovers. After a month of hanging out and just talking, watching movies, getting to know each other, I spent the night and of course one thing led to another. It was addictive at first, at least for him. He told me, he was very surprised and that I was great in bed. It wasn't that I didn’t enjoy it, I just felt like maybe he liked me more than I liked him. Months and months went on and then at some point he told me, he wasn’t worthy to have a woman like me in his life and wasn’t ready for a relationship. I wasn’t hurt or surprised by it though. I told him, I didn’t think we should continue on and that we should just be friends. He asked me, “Are you sure?” I was sure.

lovers

Months later I had a birthday party and invited him as just a friend. He showed up, and during this party he decided to attempt to talk to one of my friend’s sisters. I didn’t pay it any mind at first, until the day after when I got a text from him asking me to ask for her number because he'd lost it. How disgraceful, disrespectful, and disgusting, I thought. He thought I was in the wrong for not giving him her number and I thought he was wrong for attempting to try something with someone I knew personally. Whether we decided to be friends or not, that was wrong on all counts. Did he honestly think that once she found out that he and I had had a sexual relationship in the past, that she would give him the time of day?

Til this day I haven’t spoken to him. So no lovers, no friends, no nothing. The moral of the story you ask? If you think that after you’ve been friends, then lovers, that you can be friends again, you have it all wrong. To make a long story short, it is not smart nor healthy to partake in anything like this. It's definitely a learning experience however, as everything I’ve gone through has been. Usually if we’ve been lovers, I will not be your friend again. I may say "Hello" at a distance, but we will not communicate and I won’t invite you out anywhere with any of my friends. We saw how that played out anyway.

It just is what it is.

-Ms. Nish